Time Hump Chronicles.

To the love of my life,

I’m not well. I haven’t been for longer than I have been willing to admit it.

I am so, so terribly tired. This isn’t the type of pain that goes away with a dozen kisses on the cheek or a playful bite. The sunrise looks like death every morning and I know you have seen it before, too.

If you need to kill me off or curse my name and send me to Hell, I need you to do that. It may not ever make sense to you but, my love was not enough for you.

Love was never an excuse to neglect you, drag you down, or shut you out. That’s what my love began to look like and I can’t continue to leave you to that.

I’m not myself. The man I was would never kill himself. The man I want to be would never shut you out. If I can’t be that man, I can’t live my life. I need help. I know I do but, being a shell of a man in a relationship that meant the world to us both is not the way to get there. I won’t mistreat you or neglect you, if I can do anything to stop it.

It won’t make sense to you. And I know it doesn’t feel right to me. But, I love you more than every drop of blood in my veins and I would never deny that. I would never keep you as a prisoner in anything that doesn’t stand to make you feel like the Queen you are.

I can’t keep repeating it. I want to rip my own heart out of my chest every time I say it: it won’t make sense to you but, I love you more than anything in the universe. I love you too much to drag you with me.

When I heal, maybe you will remember every word I ever said and possibly be haunted by every feeling I ever gave you— if you want that. If you will still bear to look at me. I just hope it’s not too late for either of us. I will never find anything as real as us.

And I would rather die.

final post

Sep 01, 2015

"I sat beside a boy with beautiful eyes and a heart I could hear beating over the music playing in the background and in that dimly lit room- I didn’t let him put his hands on me. I didn’t touch him. I didn’t press my mouth on his and my laughter isn’t something you’ll find in the pit of his stomach.
I didn’t touch him because I felt as if I owed that moment to you already.
How strange would it be if I tainted somebody else with the kind of love I gave you?
How strange would it be if I let somebody else leave their fingerprints all over me?
How strange would it be to be loved so loudly, that it echoes between the mountains for years to come, by someone who isn’t you?
Does that make you scared?
Does it terrify you to think that someday I will experience a love that dims out the life of what we shared?
It scares me.
It keeps me up at night.
I hope you still care enough to let it make you shake.
I didn’t let him touch me.
I am still yours and I hope you find comfort in that."

- thewordsyouneverunderstood (via thewordsyouneverunderstood)

Aug 31, 2015